Another year came and went, and it’s my birthday again! I’m one to get very nostalgic and introspective on my birthday, I blame it on genetics. The last 9 years that I have spent my birthday away from my birth country right before my name-day I get an overwhelming loneliness that takes over my heart and mind, and usually makes me cry.
Often times I have lots of excuses on why I feel lonely and why there’s this thorn in my heart that won’t let me enjoy my day as I should. The first 4 anniversaries I had a huge group of people that shared my loneliness so it felt understood. They would try their hardest to make the loneliness of the day, a little bit less tough, and would often succeed. I can’t lie that I’d still let out a tear or two during the day, but they had just a way around my heart to figure out the paralyzing feeling of missing your homeland and your family, and instead of forcing you to forget they would just share your losses and count your wins.
After life took all of us in different directions. Almost all ended up in different continents…like fate wanted to play me a dirty little joke. So the last 5 birthdays have been bittersweet. More bitter than sweet. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for all I have but I miss both my families, the one at home and the one that got away from me after 4 years ago, my safe places.
I tried to recreate, erroneously. the idea of a family and companionship in the last couple years and kept failing miserably. After a couple of missed attempts and nostalgic birthdays, all I wanted to do was skip the celebrations.
So I did the only thing I know how to do, became obsessed with the idea of what’s to come. I accepted the idea that I wasn’t going to find family where I was, and decided I was going to work my hardest to get the heck out of where I was as fast as I could. And just when I thought I was getting close to my next chapter.
God or life or fate decided to make me genuinely happy where I am, in all of the little areas of life. I have found mentors, and leaders, and bosses I trust and admire. I feel loved and cherished by the people around me and there’s friendships around me that I want to nurture and grow.
I am not thinking every second of every day how ready I am to get the heck out of a place just because someone or something or somewhere makes me feel lonely and damaged. I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be, surrounded by just the right people, and doing just what I’m supposed to be doing.
This year is sweeter than bitter, for the first time in a while…and for that I’m thankful🤍