I am by nature (or by family genes), a very worrisome person. I remember being in second or third grade, and being so stressed out about a handwritten essay we had been assigned on -birds-. When I should have been thinking about hide-and-seek, and been absolutely careless; I always had worries in my mind. I don’t remember a time growing up when I wasn’t worried about something, that’s probably one of the (many) reasons I’ve been a regular attendant at therapy (thanks mom and dad).
I would overhear adults in my family, or my own parents talking about grown-ups’ problems and I would instantly be concerned and try to fix them. Although I was always told not to meddle in those conversations, and not to eavesdrop…I really wanted to worry!! My mom told me a long time ago that growing up I used to be a big saver (wish I would have stayed that way), and she recalls they were talking about some water bill that came to high that month. Well, an hour or so later I walked out with my piggy bank money to help them pay the water bill, because in my mind it was a very big deal and I was supposed to fix it.
I grew up not only being a fixer, but the worry turn into anxiety, that turn into fear of the uncertain. As a believer of Christ, and also a believer of traditional medicine I have always acknowledge my anxiety comes and goes in waves. The 2018-2019 years were one of those waves when you feel like you cannot breathe, but then you finally grasp a bit of air only to get sucked back in the big wave. Lots of prayer, sleepy tea, love, and endless therapy sessions got me out on the shore with a generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis.
This is the catch though, although I am off the big wave and resting on the shore; there is always the rainy days the remind me of the waves. I need to work on being better at riding them, by recognizing what I am doing wrong and what I am doing right.
I have been listening to personal development podcasts, doing yoga, a daily mindfulness journal, and recently started Bible app devotionals. This last week I was reading on fear and anxiety, and something really hit home. I have always justify my worrying and my stress that leads into crippling, sleepless anxiety; because it eventually kicks me into gear and helps me do something about whatever is happening (or going wrong). But eventually it’ll hit the ground and panic, or cry; and it won’t be good.
It’s not worry, or stress, or anxiety that helps us solve our problems; is being proactive, and solvers, and fixers. But we are so used to justifying our endless toxic cycles of it, that we feel that it is worry or stress what is keeping us fueled to do what we have always been capable to do without it.
This was the Bible verse that came with the devotional: “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” Matthew 6:27
Whether a believer or not, you can take that Bible verse and it can resonate with you. We are able to recognize daily what we do wrong and right; and although ultimately sometimes we fail while fixing it, all we can do is try.